pLuSoNeDeRfUl's Xanga

good bye. :( its been real!

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:24:54 GMT

hello xanga.

its been seven years or something.

so now i think its just biblical for me to move onto something else.

http://rumblr-in-my.tumblr.com/

good bye xanga :)

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 09:15:20 GMT

okay! so for the next month or so, all my blog thoughts are going to be here:

http://sarahlam.andrewhao.com/botswana2009/blog

see you in march!

on having game, dating, etc.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:28:33 GMT

apparently everyone thinks that andrew is really wise and keeps notifying me that his "dating 101" series is really helpful, insightful, relevant, blah blah blah. if i share about the things i've learned in this relationship, does this just qualify as girl-emo-vomit? maybe. but i will try.... just because i dont work anymore and i have about an hour to kill before i go upstairs to try and organize a billion die cuts, chipboards, acryllics, fabrics, and hole punches.

my thoughts about "having game"
very very early on in my relationship with andrew (as in 4 years ago), it was established that andrew was always going to be.. the nice guy, right? i really admired the transparency of our friendship and his insurmountable boundaries that kept us very-clearly-brother-and-sister-in-christ. even when he began to show interest in me, it was sincere and direct. come early december-ish.. i realized that i kind of had a problem with it- without flirting, those "accidental" "lingering" "glances" or "touches". without a bit of heart break.. a few misleading signals.. without that sort of game.. would there be enough chemistry to really start a romantic relationship?

can anyone identify? i feel like a lot of conversations with christian sisters have reflected that this is kind of normal for dating relationships in the church.. and i feel like i've heard from christian brothers that they sometimes come to this crossroad where they should either be nice guy or the one that plays with the girl JUST enough to win her heart... if im wrong, dont give me an eprop and then call me a heathen. i feel like justin hong will probably do just that in order to spite me.

anyway, i have to admit that its true though.. whenever i became more insecure about andrew, the more attracted i was to him.. and its probably true that if he had given me mixed signals throughout november to december, i'd be SO confused yet so attached, i'd fall for him in a second.

and yet almost 10 months later, here is where i stand. andrew's steadfastness has really changed the way that i see romance and attachment. i guess in a sense, there are a lot of things that the world offers that can hold you in that insecure balancing act.. you know? its not just flirting and er. "having game" that provides that immediate gratification and that desire for more.... isnt it also things like money and reputation? i'm not trying to equate romantic gestures and fuzzy feelings with sin at ALL.. i think im trying to say that looking back, i'm really grateful for the ways that andrew has chosen NOT to play that game.. he has chosen not to hold back, not to deceive me, and instead to do something really remarkable- he has chosen Christ as his role model..... who did not win me over by playing with my heart or enticing me with fleeting feelings.. but has laid it out. honestly. sincerely. and whole-heartedly.

THAT is the love that has overcome the world.. and thats the love that i feel like i'm learning about in my relationship with andrew.

andrew hao is not equal to jesus. but i think we're both working out our faith in this relationship to discover the depths of our Father's love that we have both experienced from Jesus. yano?

okay. in conclusion.. i think that a lot of dandy relationships can begin with those lingering touches, those mixed signals, and that wonderful tingly feeling everytime you think about "what if?!" but i do know that that cant be healthily sustainable. because after "what if?!" becomes what is, it does come down to love.. love like the bible calls it. yano? not.. uh. lil wayne. or something.? oops. awkward ending.

this is what happened at work.

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 19:14:20 GMT

As many of you know, the journey that I've taken with the Salvation Army has been super long. really stressful. and not very happy.

Here is what happened!

1. I have never been so demeaned, disrespected, abused, and humiliated like I was at this job. From moral accusations to questions about the sincerity of my faith, the supervisors that were supposed to encourage and guide me rocked my self worth really hard.

: in light of this I have realized this- when i am neglected, unforgiven, misunderstood, disregarded, ridiculed, disgraced, and forced to stand face to face with folly, extravagance, and spiritual insensitivity but bear with it in loving patience and steadfast endurance, then I am learning to die to self. (thanks j mac). and yet...

2. I have never been so hard-hearted, bitter, resentful, sarcastic, disrespectful, unyielding, insincere, and unforgiving as I have at this job. From unprofessional remarks to sneers and gossip, the salt and light that I was called to be I definitely traded in for the mud and darkness of sin.

: in light of this I have realized that my faith has never been so tested and yet so refined. I never knew it was this difficult to love my enemies and pray for those who hated me. The love of the Cross destroys my Christian mask. my Christian answers. my Christian smile. the love of the cross makes me realize that while I was an ENEMY of God, my soul was bought with a price and I cannot understand a love so radical. But this glimpse into my own sinful heart has made me long for love.. and time and time again He comes.

3. God has always been the most valuable thing. Although my bosses called me names, yelled at me, kicked me out of their office, spoke harshly about me to my coworkers behind my back, God is my most treasured thing. As I sat teary-eyed in my cubicle, He reminded me that he sustains me each day because he will not give up on His kingdom...

When my heart was filled with disdain and I called my bosses idiots and bigots, I was confronted by a God who required me to lay down the other "most precious things"- my rights, my reputation, and pick up His cross.. and his love.. as my most important thing. He reminded me that he sustains me because he will not give up on His kingdom.

--

yup. so thats what happened. I now get to take my post-college break! woooo!! Hahaha.. Andrew and I will be leaving for Botswana in February. I will probably be hanging out in Berkeley at least every Wednesday and Thursday, so lets hang out!!

it is finished!

im not just emo! im also happy!

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:50:14 GMT

just a quick "for the record" type of post:

i absolutely love my clients. sure. they try to play me. yes, they lie to my face. yeah i get hit on occassionally. sometimes i get yelled at, othertimes they start sobbing during our session. but most of the time, i think theyre hilarious. and i think i amuse them.

i asked J about what sort of music his band plays: "i dunno... we're sorta a .. thrasher. heavy. metal. death. dagger. darkness. screaming. sort of feel."

"ohh.. okay.................."

---

i take G on a campus tour and after lunch he starts freaking out. "i lost my teeth"

"g. theyre in your mouth"

"naw... my OTHER ones."

"OH SHOOT! YOUR GRILL?! OH CRAP! we need to find that! hurry! i'll dig in the trash can! throw me that napkin!"

"nevermind. its in my pocket"

"okay cool."

---

i really enjoy them. you know! im beginning to really understand that as we walk into places, our hearts truly are shaped by the Holy Spirit to respond with compassion and love.

:) i love themmmm!!!

what i think about now that i dont keep up with blair serena and the humphreys.

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 05:09:46 GMT

hello. i am still working. now i have clients. good bye to the days of simultaneous gossip girl and john piper. hello to progress notes and consent forms.. reflective listening and setting boundaries.

but thats not what i will write about today. instead. i will talk about why my head gets soo confused about gospel centered world changing justice minded work.

because today! my boss told me that supporting emancipated foster youth (my clients) is the new cool thing for rich people. this means that we can expect support to come in somewhere in the million dollar range within the next few months (in addition to our large budget given from state grants. thank you arnold for the $5.1 million increase this year!).

this means that i got really angry because my clients are still eating as many refreshments at work as they can and then going to sleep early so they won't be hungry. with the huge funds we have, why can't we pay for fast passes so they'll be able to find a job outside of this cracked up neighborhood? with millions, can they dream about going to culinary school and college? howabout SAT prep classes?

i dont carrre too much for the people in our organization that eat lunch with mrs. gates or swim their way up to the wealthiest philanthropists of today. im sad that all the money is going to my workplace when i've seen at least 50 organizations that do so much more.. and connect so much better.. and function with so much less. wow! what if even HALF of what is about to be given to us was given to organizations that do what they do soo well?? the ones that have the trust of the gutter dweller and hooker instead of the newspaper reporters and photographers.

but then veronica reminded me yesterday that its all dirt. and its all rags. and im filthy too.

money is dirt. it IS. God keep me from wondering why my salary isnt higher if we have millions. keep me from depending on it as the sole answer for my clients problems. remind me that your grace is sufficient and your power is made perfect in weakness.

these deeds.. these righteous deeds are filthy rags because the only way this world is reconciled is through the blood of Christ.. not good acts. God let me be redeemed and let each of my clients be redeemed and let these philanthropists be redeemed in your grace as you redeem the brokenness of the world.

and i'm filthy. because im complaining that out of the hundreds of non-profits in San Francisco, we have the most expensive building and the most private funding. so God shake me from cynicism and judgmental accusations and give me strength to press on for one prize and one goal.. i really really want to do all things for the glory of God.. and through the grace of Jesus, i can.

okay. the end of todays rant.

but thats coooool.. im learning things. and growing. k. byyye.

sarah

heres a picture!

this is me and andrew. even though im pretty sure he'd be HIDEOUS in a skirt, he has been the most incredible cheerleader as ive gone through this. im really glad that we're dating.

okay. this is how work has really been.

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 16:34:53 GMT

hi. here we go.

to be completely honest, i'm miserable at work. my clients haven't moved in, and tomorrow is the 115th day that that has been the case. my bosses have been insensitive, unprofessional, and at times, abusive. but these are not the biggest issuse of my life-because God will continue to be faithful to redeem this program: contracts, staff, everything- i really believe it.

but the ugly and honest truth of whats going on is that it is the condition of my heart that has left me in a really miserable place. to be really truthful (because. today i feel like pouring my heart out to xanga. but i think its because its SUPER foggy outside and its a friday.. and.. i just ate ice cream for breakfast. and today i will choose to be a emo.) i have esteemed myself for my accomplishments, my status, and my reputation. i used the keywords that gets every CCF student's eyes wide: i work in the tenderloin with homeless foster youth. and i have patted myself on the back for choosing a hard job. but also, i have used the title that makes every social worker-parent (both of mine) proud: i'm working full-time as a case manager for the salvation army. and i've congradulated myself on landing a job without any experience.

but meanwhile, i was steeped in condemnation- fearing so many things, like not having a job after college.. not having anything to show for 4 years of berkeley.. not having a justification for my thousands of hours devoted to ministry instead of studies..

anyway. this is why God invented the Indian Rock for little emos like me to sit on and cry. and yesterday he washed over me with comforting words only a Father can whisper: "i'm so proud of you. I have never stopped loving you. I am hopeful for you."

and i'm just beginning to wash my hands of the prideful self-idolatry. i'm rising from the condemnation of failure and disapproval. and yay! heres sarah- superly beat up and torn. but really satisfied to know that theres second chances.

alright. so.. still figuring out what to do next. but im a big fan of berkeley these days :) having sisters and brothers who remind you of God's overwhelming love is really an amazing thing.

good bye!

sarah

work.

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:07:00 GMT

Here is a basic run down of what I have learned from work.

On July 22 I sat down at LA cafe super frustrated at co-workers and bosses, at systems and transitions, at myself and my selfishness. and i wondered about the consistency and integration of the gospel in my life on all levels, in all circumstances. 1 Corinthians 1:18 seemed like this super heavy weight that sunk to the bottom of that sick feeling of struggle and confusion. and it just SAT there. and i dont get it. "for the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but for us who are being saved it is the power of God."

As I looked up from my Bible, a short woman walks into the cafe with a broken face, bleeding lips, and cracked hands. she stops at each table before mine and asks for change, staring at each customer who avoids her pleading gaze and uncontrolled drool.

She sits down at my table and says: is that a bible?

yes.

she asks: can you read me something?

mind racing! what to read! john 3:16! 1 corinthians 6:4! john 15! romans 8!

uhhh sure.. let me finndddd......

she requests: Psalm 23. read that one.

okay.

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
       through the valley of the shadow of death,
       I will fear no evil,
       for you are with me;
       your rod and your staff,
       they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
       in the presence of my enemies.
       You anoint my head with oil;
       my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
       all the days of my life,
       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
       forever.

Her name is Rita and we read it together. I shake her hand as she leaves and she says: squeeze my hand harder, Sarah. God bless you.

and as I embrace her cracked hands in mine, i squeeze tight and it clicks! i need this. she needs this.

The message of the Cross is absolute foolishness- it sends both Rita and I to one alter and we both totally drink from the promises of abundance and hope, the lavish provision of a Shepherd who sees us both. To both of us, who are being saved, the message of the Cross is the perfect, consuming, satisfying power of God.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:18:12 GMT

alot of stuff has been happening in my heart these past few weeks. this entry is not about that.

so you know how when you're in the bathroom, theres always that little crack between the door and the stall divider? and sometimes you're facing it? and sometimes you can see outside of it and you wonder if people can see you? but then you tell yourself that no one is going to stand there and look?

i was at the giants game yesterday and in that exact position- and then the unthinkable happened! this 10 year old girl.. who was at least 4'5" tall STOOD AT THAT GAP AND STARED AT ME!!! oh my gosh. she was just LOOKING AT ME. PEERING THROUGH THE CRACK. and all i could say was.. "uh.. can you not do that?" "uhh.. please stop looking in this stall..."

wow. 30 seconds of helplessness. what else can ya do.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 02:37:43 GMT

i have to get used to alot of things at work. wearing heels all the time is one of them. this is what it has done to my foot. i hate heels. heel is only one letter short of hell.

the end.